Monday, April 11, 2011

This is kind of about both politics and games?

I've been playing some Blood Bowl Legendary Edition lately.  I'm not great at the game and don't really mind, but there's a Let's Play of it I've been watching that occasionally makes me want to play.  Anyway, I made an Elf team called the People's Republic.  They wear red and are named for communists.  I was chatting with a friend about them and he seemed to think it was amusing enough that it should be kept for posterity.  Read on for the adventures of communist fantasy football/rugby.  (Edited for typos and non-related tangents.)

me: Mao is a savage blood bowler, fyi
6:39 PM Him: If that were true, he would not be a poncy elf.
6:40 PM me: He has 23SPP at the end of his 4th game.
 at the half rather
6:41 PM Him: What position?
me: catcher
Him: Also, I don't think the people's revolution should be a finesse passing team.
me: Perhaps not.
6:42 PM Him: If you have to go and form it of non-proletariat, at least remember the tree of liberty must be watered from time to time with the blood of tyrants, and play something bashy.
me: But as Mao says, political power grows out of the barrel of a savage passing arm.
 My line is vicious.
 Especially Karl Marx the blitzer
 He is the bane of capital
 also of annoying fuckers with dodge.
Him: lol
me: He has block and tackle
6:43 PM So you can't dodge that shit and he actually does knock you down on stumbles, regardless.
 He is an implacable foe of the subtle power of capital, and cheaty immune-to-rules skills.
6:44 PM He just decked a gutter runner who didn't respect the power of the People's Tackle Zone as I was typing that.
Him: We really need to get you a job that involves writing.
 The People's Tackle Zone!!!
6:45 PM me: You must respect it.
 My thrower is Lenin
 He is also pretty sweet.
 Lenin, Mao, and Marx are thus far the pillars of my team.
 Stalin is the other catcher
 he is pretty cool too
 In retrospect he should have been the other blitzer
6:46 PM but I wanted them to be Marx and Engels
 My second point of this game was glorious
 It was 8/8 in the first half
6:47 PM Mao was in a Rat Ogre's tackle zone one square from the EZ
 So was the ball
 It wasn't no thing for him.
6:54 PM me: Also, granted I am playing skaven but
 this game I've inflicted two injuries and a RIP
 Including Engels kicking the rat ogre so hard in the balls it misses next game (groin injury!)
6:55 PM Him: ouch.
 They really should design rat ogres without that little problem.
6:58 PM me: I thought that was a pretty magical story handed down by the dice gods :P
6:59 PM Him: Oh, skaven. Is there another team that's as much fun to rough up?
me: Probably not
7:00 PM Also the rat ogre was mobbed by 4 angry communists, pretty amazing as a mental image even before the groin-kicking :P
7:10 PM Him: I like the sounds of legendary edition.
 Because man did I get tired of the same 4 teams.
7:11 PM me: legendary rules
 Also, I took those Skaven to the cleaners.
 It was a rematch
7:12 PM last time they got super lucky rolls and 3-3ed with me
Him: Those bastards, how dare they.
me: but historical inevitability has provided the people with a 4-0 victory in the rematch.
7:13 PM man
7:14 PM no-mark real life communist Antonio Gramsci is proving my most powerful lineman
 he already had block
 now he has leveled
 and can get +1MA or +1 AV
Him: No-mark!
 Well played, that reference.
me: I think the AV is the correct choice
7:15 PM The inevitable tide of the proletarian vanguard would benefit from AV8.
7:16 PM Him: +1MA is pretty worthless on non-specialists.
 It's worth maiming for on catchers/blitzers, of course.
 9 move 5 agi wardancers are the silliest things ever, btw.
me: Yes.
7:17 PM The cold-blooded hand of capital is in this match being championed by the cold-blooded reptiles of the Salamander's Breath. Their Triassic biology is a fitting match for their outdated economic system.
7:18 PM As wretched exploiters, their Team Value exceeds my own, but the people care not for such trifles.
Him: You need a blog.
 Dedicated to your Marxist blood bowl team.
me: lol
Him: Or maybe a let's play thread.
me: perhaps I will copy/paste these chats on to my blog
7:19 PM they're kind of political right?
7:20 PM Him: Oh, right. You have a blog.
 I forgot for some reason.
(Editor's note: probably because I never update it) me: Man, the uncaring hand of capital exploits it workers to such an extent that it apparently doesn't realize that asking your Saurus to dodge is the mission of a heartless exploiter.
 In this case, Comrade Turnover shows them the error of their ways.
7:24 PM Him: Comrade Turnover assisted by one of the actual comrades on the field, who provided The People's Boot?
7:26 PM me: Exactly
7:29 PM I think it was Che
 One of the linemen.
7:32 PM Turn 4: the sluggish walnut brains of the capitalist oppressors reel as, much with his arrival in Finland Station, Lenin delivers a glorious long pass to Stalin, buoyed by the hopes of the once hopeless. Stalin was located 3 squares from the end zone, forwarding the cause of the revolution, 1-0.
7:34 PM Also, continuing the gallery of "things not to do with a saurus," the ball is fumbled by the clumsy hands of the elite.
7:38 PM Man, I'd forgotten Mao had blodge
 He's monstrous
 As that skink just learned.
7:41 PM Him: Blodge is solid.
 Also, the AI is frankly terrible.
me: lol
 well yeah
 really it wouldn't be nearly as fun if the revolution weren't inevitable :P
7:42 PM damn
 the half ended with Mao like 2 squares from the end zone
 Oh well
7:43 PM The slow press of inevitable revolution does not demand a large margin of victory; 1-0 will do.
 And I had like 4 comrades KO'd who have now recovered so eh.
Him: You should have beefier revolutionaries, obv.
7:44 PM (but not dwarf beefy, ugh. what a boring team)
me: Yeah
 Orcs would honestly be a pretty natural fit.
 Especially hilarious when you realize they use teeth as currency
 so when they punch you they are redistributing the wealth.
Him: I burned out on Blood Bowl due to a steady diet of Humans (with Ogre), Skaven, Chaos, and Dwarves.
me: But
Him: I hear tell there are other armies.
 But I never saw them.
7:45 PM me: All oppressed people are comrades
 Pointy ears or no.
 Did you have LE?
Him: Nope.
7:46 PM me: It helps a lot.
7:47 PM manm
7:48 PM I thought agi 1 guys didn't intercept?
 I've never failed to have a big guy nab my pass
 it is annoying.
 Like, I just got intercepted by a fucking Kroxigor
 That's just lame :P
7:49 PM Luckily
 I had a wizard, and his tough saurian hide was no match for the People's Lighting Bolt.
7:51 PM Him: Zappy!
7:56 PM me: Oh
7:57 PM Continuing the tradition of "linemen I named for communists even I'd never heard off of the wikipedia list being cool," questionably historical figure Lin Biao takes down a Skink with the People's Vicious Right Hook to earn his 7th SPP.
Him: Upgrades for you, sir!
 Don't let them disrupt your unity with the proletariat.
7:58 PM me: Nope, I had a couple of "not allowed to succeed" turns
 and so they equalized on the 14th turn
7:59 PM I can theoretically get it but
 it is annoying.
8:00 PM Him: No, no, I was speaking to Mr. Biao.
me: Ah
Him: It's important that he not start thinking of himself as elite just because he has some upgrades.
8:01 PM me: ah yeah
 last turn of the game
 Lenin has the ball
8:02 PM After a Saurus managed to fall victim to Leon Trotsky's Feint of Liberation and get a turnover throwing a block at him.
 Only a Saurus stands between him and the open arms of the Agrarian Revolution in the form of master catcher Mao.
8:03 PM Castro throws a two die block
 but only pushes the reptilian oppressor!
8:04 PM This opens a corridor, allowing Lenin to launch the ball on 3+
 He drives home the point like the mighty locomotive of collectivized industry!
8:05 PM Mao doesn't even need a Going For It Roll to bring home the point for liberation!
Him: How has your sister never convinced you to write communist slash-fic?
me: Now Lenin delivier's the People's Spiteful Last Minute Kick-Off, daring the reptiles to score a one turn touchdown.
8:06 PM But, of course, the heavy yoke of oppression by the moneyed classes weighs down their scaly legs, and they are physically incapable of it.
8:07 PM Capitalist pawn Klitzuitz ends the game as the inevitable end of all non-socialist states, by failing a needless Going For It roll.
8:08 PM Oh, apparently that was the final, and we have liberated the trophy. Hooray!
8:09 PM The Russians are clearly at the vanguard (though of course the communist movement is by nature post-national), with Lenin topping the league with 10 completions, and Stalin clocking in 7 receptions (somehow beating out Mao)
8:10 PM Mao however has the tournament running record, with 136 yards.
 Lenin passing for an even hundred.
 Meanwhile, team leader and founder of the glorious Communist movement gains rightful recognition as the fist of the revolution, having redistributed teeth to the tune of 5 casualties inflicted, best in the league.
8:11 PM The revolutionaries unsurprisingly top the league in passing, but hilariously don't top it in scoring and do in casualties inflicted (15!) and defense (6 TDs allowed.)
8:12 PM Which only shows that revolutionary fervor is the true equalizer, trumping the social constructs of race and nationality.
8:13 PM In a fitting end, the vile lizardmen looted a record 250000 gold pieces form their rightful communal owners, making them fitting opponents in the final clash.
8:15 PM Him: This needs to be a Let's Play.
 Very, very badly.
me: Post-tournament, Lin Biao advances as expected, becoming the second member of our vanguard to gain Block, and Stalin also advances his revolutionary philosophy.
Him: Or even a series of blog posts a la that amazing sequence on football manager.
me: Should I get him Pro, Block, or Sure Feet, do you think?
8:16 PM Him: He's a blitzer?
me: Catcher
 Marx and Engles are my blitzers.
Him: I don't particularly care for Pro.
 I know other people like it.
 Does he have sprint?
me: no
 but I am the worst ever at GFI roles
8:17 PM Him: Heh.
me: He could get it but I think I'd like Sure Feet first
 Maybe I'll just get him Block
 I seem to be pulling a reverse CKnoor and playing an unusually bloodthirsty elf team.
8:18 PM oh
 Lin Biao has rolled a 10
 +AV I guess?
 He def. doesn't want MV
 And Block is probably a better skill but I can always get it.
8:19 PM Yeah, Lin Biao will now supplement his revolutionary fervor with cold steel.
Him: AV is pretty good.
me: I wonder who that dude was.
Him: You have to take the rare rolls when they come up.
8:20 PM me: I think I will perhaps someday make a counterpart Amazon team named for historical feminist leaders.
 An equally funny concept but not one with as much good specialized vocabulary for match commentary :P
 Eh, maybe, come to think
Him: You'd have plenty to say.
8:21 PM You could pursue a Marxist Feminist Dialectic!
me: True!
 Those Vastnesses.
8:22 PM Also, someone was wearing that "my marxist feminist dialectic brings all the boys to the yard" shirt on the cover of Locus a while ago
 It was pretty funny.
Him: My girlfriend really wants one.
 She loves AgitProp
me: They're pretty sweet.
8:23 PM Him: She's one of the few people I know who could actually have a marxist feminist dialectic.
me: Ah, for the first round of the new cup we face lizards again, this time green ones.
 The last ones were blue.
8:24 PM This team is called the Itzibitzi Blockers.
 A name that could only be the product of an exploitative corporate think tank.
 As with all agents of capital, they do not respect the People's Tackle Zone, and a skink goes down early on the LOS.
8:25 PM Also I'm not sure I have a Marxist-Feminist dialectic because it has been too long since I've read Hegel.
Him: (itzibitzi blockers is the best saurus team name I've heard)
me: I think I just rant about social justice and hope it gets there.
8:26 PM Unfortunately Marx allowed his revolutionary fervor to overcome his careful consideration of communist science, and botched a dodge roll rushing the ball carrier.
8:27 PM Now our brave revolutionaries face a vast sea of skinks between them and the ball carrier.
 I need to get one of my blitzers the leap skill so they can deliver airborne justice.
8:28 PM Also, they have two block skinks, that's just dumb :P
 My bad
 they don't even get that except on doubles.
 Once again the capitalist dogs demonstrate their bad faith.
8:29 PM Oh dear
 this game is not starting well for the forces of revolution
Him: Leap is the best thing there is.
 <3 wardancers.
me: Stalin successfully blitzed their ball carrier
Him: I really can't seem to play non-Wood Elf teams with as much joy.
8:30 PM me: only to double skull on his reroll to try to bring the skink down.
 BTW both him and Marx got KO'ed
 So this drive is looking somewhat grim :P
8:31 PM Ah, and then Engles fails a rerolled 3+ dodge, also good.
 Still, I think the biggest harm here is that I need Marx's tackle!
 Also his brilliant dialectic
 But mostly the tackle skill.
8:35 PM So, the lizards score on turn 5
 Due to complete failure by the revolutionaries, alas.
 Luckily all of my 3(!) KO'ed guys get up except one, unluckily that one is Marx.
8:38 PM Even while holding the ball, Lenin is a badass, and takes down a skink trying to lock him in melee with the People's Iron-Toed Boot.
8:39 PM The second at his feet is taken down by Mao's political power.
 Finally, political latecomer Leonid Brezhnev delivers a righteous beatdown to a third, disdainful of the morally corrupt Block skill, which the skink had and he didn't.
8:40 PM This opens the great western corridor for collectivized farming, also for a bomber pass by Lenin.
 He easily finds Stalin, the Soviets bringing home the equalizer. Woot!
8:41 PM Leaving the Lizardmen to flail at our brave front-liners on turn 8/8
 ugh, or the event roll could make the ref roll the clock back to 7, giving unjust hope to our vile enemies
8:42 PM Luckily the decadent luxuries of capital appear to have dulled their minds so the skink who got the ball moved backwards to make a cage, seems questionable.
Him: The capitalist mind cannot adopt to changing times.
 Turn 7/8 is the future, comrade!
8:43 PM Those who do not embrace it will perish.
me: So it would appear.
 Foolish lizards.
8:44 PM Alas, despite his usual revolutionary skills comrade Biao blows a 2-die block on the Kroxigor by double-skulling
 I was hoping he'd repeat the feat with the Rat Ogre.
Him: Lizards have internal genitals.
 It was doomed from the start.
8:45 PM me: Nonetheless, the lack of momentum by the capitalists causes them to fail their touchdown, and now it is communist turn 8/8, aka "the purges."
 In which I will punch as many skinks as possible.
Him: I'm trying to remember how I enjoy the portions of my life that are not supplemented by your communist-influenced chatter.
 Be it in blood bowl, Civ, or that squad skirmish game (with philosophers!)
8:46 PM And I've come up with "nookie" so far, but that still leaves most of my life unaccounted for.
me: Man that was a pretty good game.
 Leonid Brezhnev fails to cripple a blodge skink with a blatant foul.
8:47 PM Him: Because I'm pretty sure there are like 168 hours in a week, and I don't spend a fraction of that on nookie or on gchat.
 So how can I be happy?!
me: However, the ref also didn't send him off, a lifetime of labor for poor wages having raised his revolutionary sentiment.
 It is a difficult question.
 Alas, no Skinks were killed in the purges.
8:48 PM Also, despite three chances so far, Marx remains out of it.
8:49 PM Him: He is attaining enlightenment through contemplation of the source from which all good proletariat things spring.
 To wit, the ground.
me: hrm
 The second half begins with general incompetence.
8:50 PM Stalin, with his usual skills, penetrates deep into capitalist territory, punching a skink out of the way as he does so.
 But then Trotsky disgracefully gets knocked down by one of their infinite blodge skinks
 Then a second KOs itself trying to run at the ball carrier through The People's Tackle Zones
8:51 PM Mao clears off the only skink on ball carrier Che
 Who hands it off to Lenin, hoping to set up the Russian Connection
8:52 PM Successfully, as he lobs the ball infinite yards to Stalin! Communists 2-1, top of 9/16
8:53 PM Perhaps even better, roused by the shattering of a thousand chains, Marx returns to the field in grimy, working-class glory!
 And the cheers of the working classes throughout the world give the People's Republic an additional team reroll!
8:54 PM (To no doubt to be used again on one of Stalin's GFI rolls, he's totally getting the reroll for that next)
8:55 PM Man
 Blodge skings are the enemies of the revolution, those guys are annoying.
8:56 PM Oooh
 Stalin delivers the pain again, damaging a skink's back in a savage block.
8:57 PM Then flying free to threaten the ball carrier
 that guy is nuts.
 Meanwhile Brezhnev is sent off by the ref after failing to kill a downed blodge skink.
Him: At least you're a bashy elf team.
8:58 PM I've gotten half my team ejected trying to murder a star player.
 I succeeded, too.
 Pity the game has no memory.
me: haha, but then Trotsky claims revenge by KOing one as it tries to flee in the face of the raising wrath of the prolitariate!
8:59 PM And Castro delivers the same treatment to another on the next turn.
9:00 PM Even with Stunty, you ignore the People's Tackle Zones at your peril.
9:01 PM Meanwhile, a total of 11(!) block dice fail to score a single result capable of taking down the ball carrying blodge skink
 Weeping occurs in the factories.
9:02 PM Trotsky then KO's a random non-blodge skink in a berserk rage, knocking himself out in the process.
9:03 PM Stalin adds 4 more dice to the count against the wretched skink, still failing to get the 1/6 that would deck it as it so richly deserves
 but he leaves it on the edge of the arena, prime for crowd-surfing...
9:04 PM Where Fidel Castro obliges with a reckless GFI-assisted blitz!
 KOing the vile thing.
 (of course he rolled the Defender Down, finally, when he didn't need it.)
9:05 PM Mao picks up the now loose ball, trusting to his blodge to make him as annoying as the skink
 Meanwhile in the irrelevant center Biao again fails to bring down the Krox on a 2 die block
9:06 PM Mao indeed survives the charge by an angry lizard!
 Only a single Saurus lies between him and the end zone...
9:07 PM Shockingly, he dodges the clumsy hands of the establishment and consigns them to the dustbin of history, 3-1 People with 2 rounds remaining.
 On turn 15 of 16, the rough hands of the people have dealt justice to the lizards, and 5 (!!) take to the field against the full team of 11 communist liberators.
9:08 PM Aghast at the treatment of Brezhnev, the now decidedly red-tinted fans beat up the ref, opening the way for more righteous Steel Toed Boots in the last two rounds...
9:09 PM Damn
 The Lizard apothecary cheats Castro of his first two SPP
Him: Heh.
9:10 PM I'm almost sorry to go home.
me: Gramesci and Trotsky continue the record of failure against the Kroxigor, kicking it around but no knockdown.
9:11 PM Meanwhile five brave comrades led by Engles stomp on a downed skink, KOing it.
 And Stalin shows the others how it's done, taking down the Krox, though with no lasting damage.
9:12 PM And thus, the game ends, 3-1 to the forces of liberation.
 After a rocky start at the hands of the dice.
9:13 PM Him: True workers are undeterred by cruel fate.
me: Indeed.
 And, once again, our philosophical grounding has advanced!
 With Mao advancing to a truly inspiring level 4.
9:14 PM He also rolled two 5's, allowing him to pick +1 MA, +1AV, or a Strength skill
 I have no idea what to do with that one, wow
 +1 MA is pretty tempting but my catchers appear to be becoming progressively bashier...I wonder if there's anything good in Str?
9:15 PM lol mighty blow
 seems kinda bad
Him: It rules, just not for catchers.
me: Yeah I don't blitz with him enough to make it good
 +1 MA on a catcher seems nuts.
9:16 PM Mao now carries the revolution forward at MV 9.
Him: It is.
me: Meanwhile we invest in a reroll, and 2 cheerleaders, primarily because I want to see the graphic for them.
9:17 PM Once again we face the skaven, whose rat-like appearance indicates their tendency to nibble pathetically the cast-offs of capital rather than rising up like men.
 For once our TV is moderately higher.
 Let's see what happens...
Him: Uh oh.
 You are becoming that which you hate!
me: Just by 30k worth, they get no inducements.
9:18 PM It's cool
 Any capital we acquire is equitably distributed
 Our resources are necessary to further the cause of the revolution.
9:20 PM Him: I'll catch you from home.

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